A Day in the Life of Lussuria
by Biscuit15
Summary: A collection of one-shots revolving around Lussuria. May range from canon to AU. Humour. Will also take chapter requests.
1. Chapter 1

**This is basically just going to be a collection of one-shots revolving around Lussuria. They may range from canon to AU, and I'll even take requests. If there's anything anyone wants to see, leave a review and I'll do it for you. **

Out of all the Varia, Lussuria was probably the one treated with the least amount of respect – or, that would be true if Leviathan weren't there to take that role. Lussuria just happened to be a _tad _more likeable than the Xanxus-obssessed walking pincushion.

Lussuria had never really been able to figure out why he wasn't exactly one of the better-appreciated members. Sometimes he had thought it might be because he didn't have sexy white boots like Belphegor did. Maybe it was because his hair wasn't as pretty as Squalo's – though to be honest, Lussuria was fond of his green part. Obviously he wasn't the boss of the strongest assassination squad within the Mafia; could that be a reason?

Never able to come up with an explanation, Lussuria went shopping, like he always did whenever he was stressed. His favourite haunts were lingerie and shoe shops, and he spent so much time there, he was on a first-name basis with the staff, and looking at his array of shoes that were stacked on shoe rack upon shoe rack – which took up an entire _wall, _just a mountain of shoe racks – Lussuria knew you could never have too many shoes – especially when there was a certain Storm Guardian who often snuck in of a night and stole peoples' shoes to use as target practise, along with the many Varia grunts who were reserved for _moving _target practise.

Walking throughout the Varia Headquarters could be considered a sport among many; you had to dodge a running Belphegor and his knives and the consequent Squalo who charged after him waving his sword in the air and screaming death threats. Sometimes you could be walking along a corridor and out of nowhere the wall would explode, courtesy of someone interrupting Xanxus when he was eating or sleeping – which was _a lot _of the time. The scariest one was when you were walking past Levi's room and either heard him sobbing about how Xanxus would never love him, or moaning said boss' name. No one could decide which one they'd rather hear as they passed his room, which had eventually led to Xanxus kicking his stalker out of the building and leaving him locked out for the nights. Even in snow. No... _especially _in snow. Not that it snowed much in Italy. But still!

While successfully having avoided the danger that living with a bunch of insane murderers brought, Lussuria eventually made it out into the garage where his hot pink convertible awaited him, dints, scratches and all. Lussuria wasn't the best of drivers, considering his profession.

After half-an-hour of avoiding any – serious – car crashes, Lussuria had parked his car haphazardly against the curb, the back of it hanging out of the lines which would undoubtedly cause some stress between every other motorist trying to avoid it and the cars around them.

Walking into the shoe store, Lussuria greeted the shop attendants cheerfully before he passed them and made his way over to the wall of shoes that awaited his careful inspection. Though Lussuria wanted every shoe he looked at, he also didn't want to be shot – again – for going over his budget.

And then, Lussuria saw them. He saw the perfect set of shoes he had ever seen. All the way on the other side of the store. Which had a woman walking over to them with a curious expression on her face.

Needless to say, Lussuria panicked.

"Excuse me!" Lussuria sprinted over to the woman and _his _shoes, hoping she would understand that it was love at first sight between him and the shoes. "Ma'am, I would like to buy those shoes."

The woman blinked before she sneered. "Faggot." Reaching out, she pulled the shoes into her arms and started walking away.

Lussuria couldn't have that. He _couldn't_. Grabbing the nearest shoe, he threw it as hard as he could into the back of the woman's head, resulting in a yelp and _his _shoes being dropped to the ground.

The Varia Sun _dove _to the ground to get those shoes, but he couldn't get to his feet fast enough to avoid the woman's handbag which felt as if there was a baby elephant in that thing as it hit him in the face.

And that was it. The damage had been done. Lussuria's face was the very _definition _of perfection – in his eyes. ...Or sunglasses... – and now it probably looked as if it had been on a date with a brick wall.

"Aww, _hell _no!" Lussuria jumped to his feet, grabbing the woman's handbag. He pulled it from her grasp and threw it away, only to be met with a fist in the face instead.

Well, if this woman wanted a fight, she had one; Lussuria wasn't going to back down until those shoes were _his_.

_**~~XX~~**_

"Luss-nee, what happened to your face?"

Five sets of eyes and a giant creepy robot stared at Lussuria as the man trudged into the living room of the Varia Headquarters, his face bloodied and bruised, a sullen expression on the otherwise perky man.

Lussuria just sighed dramatically before he pulled a giant flip-top mirror from his pocket. He took note of the damage before he turned back to the boy who had asked him the question.

"Well, Bel-chan," Lussuria begun, "when a man and a pair of shoes love each other very much..."

Beneath blond bangs, Belphegor's eyes widened as he sprung to his feet. He shook his head, taking a few steps back. "The prince doesn't need this talk!"

Squalo, Xanxus, Leviathan and Mammon watched as Belphegor ran from the room as if Satan himself was after him. They heard him crash into something seconds later, a loud thump that was presumably the sixteen-year-old falling to the ground, before his footsteps could be heard again.

"I was just going to tell him that Mama Luss got into a fight over shoes..." Lussuria shook his in a resigned manner before he started moving, returning back to his bedroom to redo his - ahem – face of perfection in makeup.

Well, Lussuria may never figure out why was treated as low as Levi, but at least he knew one thing; he was the beauty of the Varia, and that would never change. At least that was what he thought, anyway. Even if he _did _lose to a woman in a fight over shoes.


	2. Chapter 2

Being the self-proclaimed mother of the Varia wasn't an easy job, but Lussuria always had a smile on his face whenever his 'motherly' instincts kicked in.

Like now, when an explosion somewhere in the Varia Headquarters rocked the entire mansion and probably took out a few of the grunts unfortunate enough to be near the source of the explosion.

"I swear boss never listens whenever I tell him that blowing up our home is never a good idea." Shaking his head, Lussuria headed upstairs to try and remedy whatever had upset Xanxus today - knowing the man, it could have been anything from someone dropping his food to the ground, to an itch somewhere on his body that no one was around to scratch for him.

Xanxus never had seen the point in scratching his own itches when there were plenty of other people around to do it for him.

Upon approaching their boss' office, it became clear that the cause of the explosion was Squalo, considering the long-haired man was screaming something about almost having to be buried in tiny pieces.

"What happened here?" Stepping over the rubble that had once been a wall, Lussuria moved to Squalo's side, putting his hand on the younger's shoulder. "Squ-chan, did you upset the boss again?"

"'Squ-chan'?!" Squalo looked offended beyond belief for a few seconds before he started waving his sword around in the air haphazardly, his shouting near-deafening to his two comrades standing around him. "Voi! You fucking faggot, take that back! Voi!"

"Shut the fuck up, trash." Xanxus, who had been sitting peacefully at his desk as if he hadn't just blown up a huge portion of his own office, pulled his gun out once more and pointed it at his second-in-command.

"Oh, my!" Lussuria darted forward, pushing the nozzle of the gun away from Squalo, who was still sputtering and shouting in every language he knew. Speaking in the calmest tone he could muster, the Sun Guardian cocked his head to the side. "Now, Xanxus, tell me what happened."

"That shark trash tried to read me a mission report while I was going to sleep." Xanxus' red eyes burned as they glared at Squalo, his finger caressing the trigger of the gun. The way he glared was as if his Rain Guardian should have known better – and in truth, Squalo should have.

"Voi!" Squalo, who had snapped to attention at these words, stomped over to join the duo. "How the fuck was I supposed to know you were about to go to sleep when it looked as if you were fucking paying attention to me?! You didn't even close your fucking eyes before trying to kill me!"

"You should have guessed it, scum."

"Voi!"

Lussuria squealed as he wriggled his rear, knowing exactly how to fix this situation – and how long he had been waiting to suggest this. "Hon, there is a simple solution to this that will require very little effort on both of your behalves~"

Two sets of eyes turned to look at the oldest Guardian, both falling quiet; if it would let them get back to what they were meant to be doing...

"Yeah?" Squalo snorted, leaning against the desk as he crossed his arms against his chest. "How?"

"You have to show your love for each other and then all will be forgiven~!" Squealing in delight, Lussuria continued on, oblivious to the murderous looks that were now fixed on him. "Squ-chan, all you have to do is give our boss a great~ big~ kiss~!"

It was silent for a few seconds, the tension in the air so thick, one could suffocate in it, but Lussuria paid no heed to that; all he could imagine was the perfect scenario in which his two superiors finally showed a bit of affection between them.

And maybe, if he was very, very lucky, he would get to witness the make-up sex, too.

"Get the fuck out, trash! I'm not a fag!"

"Voi! Neither am I!"

Before Lussuria knew it, he had two guns and a sword pointing at him, Squalo and Xanxus shouting at him so loud, their words were getting lost in the other's.

The flamboyant man wasn't stupid most of the time; he knew to hightail it out of there as fast as he could. The second he fled out of what had once been an in-tact door, a heavy vase followed him out, shattering just inches from him. Gulping, Lussuria would have to make sure to hide from them both for the rest of the day; they apparently hadn't appreciated his advice that he had put his entire heart into.

With a sigh, Lussuria started walking towards his own bedroom, wanting to go and organise his shoe collection for the day; he could never decide what ones were his favourites, so every day he changed them around so that he had a chance to admire all of them.

One could never have enough shoes, after all.

Walking past Leviathan's room, Lussuria cocked his head to the side as he heard the other sobbing. Knocking on the door, he walked in, finding the Lightning Guardian curled up on his bed, tears running down his face.

"Oh, dear, what's the matter?" Lussuria tenderly shut the door behind him, walking over to the bed to check on the other.

"Boss... Boss will never acknowledge me!" A fresh wave of tears rolled down Leviathan's face at this, his howls becoming louder as he threw his arms up into the air in a dramatic manner. "Why won't you notice me, boss?!"

"Levi, of course the boss notices you," Lussuria soothed. "He's always kicking you around and throwing things at you, isn't he?"

Leviathan's tears froze at this realisation, the man nodding a few seconds later. "You're right..."

"The boss acknowledges that you're his scapegoat and can kick you around." Lussuria was glad to be of some use; it was clear that his words were cheering the other up; that what he was here for, after all. "Who else would the boss get to use as his human coffee table for when he's drinking? He can't have just _anyone _kneeling on all four next to him and staying perfectly still as he rests all of his wine on their back. No one else can stay as perfectly still as you, and the boss knows that."

With renewed vigor, Leviathan jumped to his feet, running from the room as if he were on a most urgent mission. "I'm coming, boss! I won't let that shark take my place any longer!"

Lussuria frowned at these words. "That's... not such a good thing, Levi..." Shaking his head, Lussuria left the room, deciding he may as well go and check if their last two members needed anything; he had taken care of the seniors, so why not the Mist and Storm guardians, too?

Humming to himself, Lussuria made his way to Belphegor's room, knowing both Varia members would most likely be in there together; they were very rarely apart, after all.

"Bel-chan?" Opening the door a crack, Lussuria sighed and smiled as he noticed the youngest two were curled up in the blond's bed, their clothing scattered all over the floor as they both slept peacefully. "Finally; the sexual tension between those two…"

Pulling his pink flip-top phone from his pocket and snapping a few photos before leaving, Lussuria went back to fix his shoe collection; the life of the Varia's mother was a simple one, yet something he wouldn't trade for the world.


End file.
